Unpin My Heart

Hello everyone~

Sorry for being kind of MIA for the past week.  Life has been super hectic.  I started training as a waitress for a Japanese restaurant a week ago and it’s just sucked the life out of me.  NEVER underestimate waitressing.  And NEVER underestimate a waitress for a Japanese restaurant.  The amount of memorization (sauces, ingredients, cooking styles, Japanese words) is obscene, I have to be able to recognize a dozen types of both raw and cooked seafood/fish, AND the procedures (pouring tea, table settings/placement, dish placement) is very particular in relatively formal Japanese cuisine.

I’m dying.

I’m working 40 hours a week for Conde Nast; now an additional 50 hours for the restaurant totals my working hour tally up to 90 hours a week.  I have never been a waitress before, so this is all new and stressful.  But I told my parents and everybody that I WILL be completely independent this summer (I’m paying my own rent, etc) so I’m going to plow through this.  GO AILEEN.  Fighting!  Gambatte!  Jia you!

But on a sidenote ,the AAIFF fim festival is over and my little housewife Kunku will be able to spend more time at home with me.  YAY.  MAKE ME BHUTANESE FOOD PLEASEEE =D  It’s also almost August and we have one more month left of summer.  It’s been a great experience thus far; I love New York City.

I am having some internal issues, however.  I think I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve with friends and lovers alike, and while oftentimes I will be in denial of how I feel for something/someone, I ultimately usually am very straightforward with my feelings.  Perhaps this places me in a more vulnerable position, but I’ve always thought I’d be strong enough to recover from anything.  Lately, however, I’ve been questioning this tactic.  I’m so tired of being second.  Of feeling subpar.  Of being a backup or a distraction.  In the beginning I don’t think too much, but then somehow insecurities and doubts begin to trickle in and then I’m unsure of where I stand.  I tell myself that I am immune, that I don’t care, that it’s all for fun anyway…

but I really hate feeling this way.

So I will try being more guarded, more suspicious, and less willing to fall into people.  I’m pinning this heart back into my chest, underneath the layers of tissue and bone and skin that protect it.  I’m gonna be that cold ass bitch, and then maybe everything will be better.

(photobooth from aaiff sponsor toyota from the closing afterparty at union bar)
PS. my shirt was made by kunku! <3

and i leave everyone with kunku’s and my staple song.

“Yes I’m like,
Hot chick that you can’t even touch.
I’m like this cold ass bitch
And I ain’t ready to suck.

When I go out, some like to get me drunk and wild.
But the only thing you get tonight is my fucking drink tab.”